


here's the part where you save me

by welcometosideb



Series: Playlist [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Introspection, Kevin loves Andrew, Kevin's vision of Andrew+Neil, M/M, POV Kevin Day, Unrequited Love, andrew loves neil, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26167198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welcometosideb/pseuds/welcometosideb
Summary: His childhood was a mess, he was obsessed with perfection, everyone said he was loved, but the only thing he loved was Exy and Exy would never love him back.No, he had nothing but Exy: it was everything, it was his entire life, and when Riko broke his hand ...Kevin thought he lost Exy forever, his life was over, nothing could ever save him now, until Andrew.orKevin is the first one to see Andrew and Neil for what they were, and he isn't happy about it.
Relationships: Kevin Day & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Playlist [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922962
Comments: 10
Kudos: 107





	here's the part where you save me

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm writing again.  
> I'm still a little blocked and insecure about my writing, but I've been reading so many fics about this and I'm obsessed with it since I first read the books. So yeah, I had to give u guys my contribution. 
> 
> [Thank you](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vertigo/profile) [Anna](https://twitter.com/dogintheboiler?s=09) for being my beta reader, and if something is wrong it's totally her fault.
> 
> The title is from the song [Life 2: The Unhappy Ending - Stars](https://open.spotify.com/track/3z03luk2vctdixJl2M6roH?si=9LK0hRaNQwG9TffTfwSs-Q)
> 
> I hope you guys like it, feel free to show me any mistakes, i'm still learning.

Kevin never really thought he had a chance, actually he didn’t even realize he wanted a chance at first; no, he was just a friend — a sheltered runaway? No one has ever promised to protect him before, no one even tried. He was property, he existed to serve, to obey, to be good, but not to excel, to survive, but not live.

He was as nothing as someone could be, of course most people didn’t see that. They admired him, envied him, they said he had everything – fans, family, friends…

His fans didn’t know him at all and if they did they wouldn’t love him — just like everybody else —, his mother died, his guardian saw him as something broken that he was supposed to shape into something good, his best friends were his abuser and a boy who used to be strong and who Kevin couldn’t help.

He used to have a favourite poem when he was a kid, before Riko decided it was useless and he had to stop, but he remembered the part he loved the most:

_ "From childhood’s hour I have not been _

_ As others were—I have not seen _

_ As others saw—I could not bring _

_ My passions from a common spring— _

_ From the same source I have not taken _

_ My sorrow—I could not awaken _

_ My heart to joy at the same tone— _

_ And all I lov'd — lov'd alone" _

His childhood was a mess, he was obsessed with perfection, everyone said he was loved, but the only thing he loved was Exy and Exy would never love him back.

No, he had nothing but Exy: it was everything, it was his entire life, and when Riko broke his hand ...

Kevin thought he lost Exy forever, his life was over, nothing could ever save him now, until Andrew.

Andrew was someone broken who rebuilt himself and locked everything up inside him, he was untouchable, an unmovable force standing between him and the world— he was nothing and wanted nothing, he had nothing to live or die for.

He was amazing, so talented, so strong, he was the first one to see Kevin for what he was: someone who was battered and bent, until all his strength left him, until he was broken beyond repair, only to be put together again, all his individual parts making up to something acceptable to his handler — someone who, at some point, gave up fighting and chose to kneel instead.

That was his mistake, he could see it now, he relied on Andrew, he turned into someone unable to do anything if Andrew wasn’t by his side, he was weak, he gave up.

Neil was fierce, he was different, he has seen and done things that most people would throw up just from hearing about it, he went to the Nest — willingly —, and came back, hurt, but not broken, angrier, stronger.

And, worst, he went there to protect the one who promised to protect him. 

Kevin knew he’d never be able to do that, he couldn’t go back, he wouldn’t survive, but Neil, who was a nobody, who was replaceable, who could’ve died... 

At first, Andrew’s deal with Neil didn’t bother him, Andrew protected his people and Neil was one of them, Neil was there to keep Kevin’s attention, there was nothing wrong, not at first.

But things changed at some point, when Andrew came back from Eastheaven, he was different, and Neil was different too, they both used to look at Kevin as if everything depended on him, but it changed.

Andrew stopped looking at Kevin as someone he should protect at any cost, against anyone, above anyone except his own family, but now he looked at Neil as if he was the answer to everything, as if he would die if Neil got hurt — and yet, it didn’t mean a thing. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t take care of Kevin or his family, he was just starting to see  _ something  _ in Neil, probably the same thing that Kevin saw when he chose Neil to the Foxes: someone who fights with everything he has.

Neil used to see Kevin as a survivor, he saw someone who had a chance, who deserved better.

"You should be Court." Kevin had said when he found out that Neil wasn’t expecting to survive, Neil acted as if it was nothing, as if no one would care.

"Will you still teach me?" Neil asked back then, and Kevin just couldn’t think, because he could understand that tone, his steady voice, the strength of someone who wanted to live as long as he could — but really live, not survive, for once in his life he wanted to feel alive.

"Every night.” That was all Kevin could say, because he saw the relief, the trust.

Neil never thought they would be Court together, he knew better, but he believed in Kevin, he believed he could survive, he could do what Neil couldn’t.

Kevin only had Exy, and Neil used to have only that too — that’s why they were friends, that’s why they practice every night —, but it changed, didn’t it? 

Andrew and Neil weren’t exactly discreet. Neil at least tried to pretend he was going to his own room every night after practice, but Kevin didn’t feel safe enough to sleep when Andrew wasn’t around, so he listened to his steps — strong, as if he wasn't afraid to wake someone up, as if he had nothing to fear or hide — and he knew when someone was with him — someone with light steps, someone fast, someone cautious as if he never wanted to be seen or noticed (someone like Neil).

And he felt this stingy pain on his chest, it was so subtle, at first he didn’t think he was bothered. Andrew was just a friend, he wasn’t supposed to care, and, by the way, he knew Andrew used to hook up with Roland, but never cared — maybe because he knew Roland didn’t matter anything, but still… 

Maybe it was nothing, Andrew was not one for dating, or relationships, or loving, Andrew didn’t know love, or caring, he took care of what’s his — this he could understand.

It was the same for everyone, just another deal, just hook up, just another night, just another poor guy trying to break the shield, trying to cross the barrier, trying to invade the fortress, that nobody ever could. 

And for days he felt bad for Neil. He wondered if Neil knew what he was signing himself into, if he was as detached as Andrew was, if he knew he was just a pretty face and pleasant moments.

And Neil  _ really  _ was a pretty face, anyone could see that: every head turned when he walked into a room, he was stunning without even knowing or caring. He was apathetic, silent, brave, and, when he opened his mouth, he was ruthless.

Andrew could see all that, even the ugly parts that everyone else — especially the upperclassmen — ignored, and maybe that was what made Kevin's heart ache.

When Andrew looked at Kevin, he saw his worst parts and decided he needed protection because he was weak. Kevin needed someone to tell him what to do and Andrew saw a dependent man in need of protection.

When Andrew looked at Neil he saw his worst parts and decided he needed protection, not because he was fragile like Kevin, but because he was a fighter, he tried to run away but his spirit told him to never bow — and he listened. Neil didn't need anyone to keep his attention, he promised to stay and stayed. Not because he needed someone to steady him, but because he wanted this.

He wasn't scared — no, that’s not true, he was drowning in fear, but his fear on others behalf,  ~~ on Andrew’s behalf ~~ , was bigger than the fear for himself.

Kevin used to think he was brave, until Neil appeared and showed him what bravery — or craziness — was, and Kevin could understand why Andrew’s attention turned to Neil, when he came to his senses he was looking up to Neil like a kid looked at their inspirations. He wanted to be like him, he wanted to hide his problems and say he was fine, he wanted to be seen.

(He wanted Andrew to look at him like he looked at Neil)

And Kevin cared about Neil, they were friends, but now it was impossible to look at him without thinking about Andrew — because Andrew was by his side all the time.

At first, Kevin tried to ignore it, to tell himself it wouldn't last, he buried his pain and pretended that nothing changed, that it was fine.

But it was getting hard to pretend, he wondered how the others didn't see what was right in front of them: the way Andrew stared at Neil with stars in his eyes when he wasn't looking back, how Neil looked at Andrew like he was Atlas holding the whole world on his shoulders. They didn't see, or pretended not to see, the way Neil kept a distance between them. It was unlike the distance everyone else put between them and Andrew, like they're afraid of his presence. The distance meant that he was willing to stay as close as Andrew allowed him to.

And Andrew touched his arms, shoulders, and chin, looked him in the eyes, talked to him. And Neil just waited, taking what was given and giving what was asked.

It was impossible to close his eyes to this, to the way they orbited around each other, how Neil was the sun of Andrew's entire universe, how Andrew was everything Neil could see — bigger than his fear, bigger than Exy, bigger than his life.

They saw each other, they saw things Kevin could see too, and things that no one else could even imagine — things only they could see, invisible boxes they only opened and showed to each other.

The ache was bigger now, it was a hole in his heart. But it was nothing, they were nothing, it wasn't supposed to change anything, Andrew wasn't supposed to mean this much.

But, at least, there was a part of Andrew that was still his — until it wasn't.

"Thank you, you were amazing," just five words, but it was Neil, and it was Andrew, and people like them don't say stuff without a reason, they don't say it with impossibly soft voices and such trust.

People like them don't look at each other like that for no reason. 

Kevin saw it. He saw the weak smile, the fear and regret and the 'what if I could, what if I had the chance' written in Neil's eyes, the broken hope. He saw the moment he said goodbye without saying.

And he saw the darkness in Andrew's eyes and he knew, he knew that even if he hoped or prayed, even if he just wanted him so much he couldn't even breathe, it was too late.

He lost.

So, when all hell broke loose, Kevin was feeling so lost and so alone, his thoughts were running wild and his fingers were numb, his heart was beating too fast, and Andrew held his arm and took him safely to the bus with the rest of the team, just for a moment Kevin felt really safe again.

His skin was still buzzing from Andrew's touch when he looked around and his heart skipped a beat.

"Where's Neil?" He had said, and he knew Andrew was wondering the same, and he was so angry, so, so angry.

They found his duffle bag and his racquet, but Neil was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is he?" the question was a whisper, Kevin was so numb — his head was spinning, he saw the racquet on the floor as if it was nothing and he knew, he just knew, Neil would never leave it there for nothing. He would hold on to it with his life, would even defend it himself if needed.

But no, he didn't fight, he knew he would die and just went, willing.

Why? Why would he give up? 

Kevin knew the answer, and the answer was glaring at him right now, with clenched fists, fury in his eyes, almost growling with anger.

He saw the shock on everyone's faces, Andrew was emotionless, expressionless, apathetic, but right now? His face was a mix of anger, and worries, and hate, he was desperate and hopeless.

Only Neil could do that.

Andrew was hurt from fighting, from saving Kevin from the riot — right when they lost sight of Neil — but he didn't care, Kevin wanted to reach our for him and clean the blood on his face, touch the bruise under his eye, but the only one allowed to do any of this wasn't there.

They searched everywhere they could, the upperclassmen were tired, Renee and Allison were hurt, Nicky was crying, but Andrew refused to stop, even when there was nowhere else to look, even when Wymack suggested they should find a hotel.

Kevin knew there was no chance to find him. Neil was gone, his father would never let anyone see his body — Andrew would never find it. 

He felt guilt, maybe he should’ve done something, he should’ve told Andrew that Neil didn’t think he would survive, he should’ve told Andrew, but who knew? Who could’ve imagined that Andrew would fall for Neil, who could’ve imagined he would  _ want _ again.

Kevin was guilty, he knew, he knew who Neil was. He knew and never told anyone, he was so busy pitying himself and wanting what Neil had, he just watched.

All he could do was sit in silence, holding the racquet as if this would keep Neil alive, fixing the net as if this would fix Neil, as if it would fix the lost look on Andrew’s face.

Then the FBI called, miraculously Neil was alive, alive and coming back for them — they could see him again and Kevin didn’t know how to face him. He didn’t know how to look at him and say ‘I thought you would be dead by now, I knew that you thought that too, I knew you were trying to enjoy the time you had, but I wanted everything you had anyways. I’m sorry.’

But Neil was alive, and that was all that mattered to everyone — to Andrew — and Kevin was just someone who knew so much and said nothing.

He saw Andrew coming, he didn’t move anyway because he couldn’t believe Andrew would be able to hurt him — but he was, Kevin couldn’t breathe for three reasons: because of Andrew’s iron grip on his throat, because Neil was alive and he was relieved but felt guilty, because Andrew was his and would hurt even Kevin to get him back.

He said everything he could, there were tears in his eyes, so many tears falling down his face, and he couldn’t even say if it was because he was in pain or because he was hurt — even after Andrew let him go, he still couldn’t breathe.

It hurt to watch them. How Andrew touched Neil, how he fought for Neil, how Neil, after being tortured, got up to defend Andrew from a gun, how he could tug his hair and draw his attention with his eyes, it was so painful.

Kevin had finally found something better than Exy to love, but he would never be loved back anyway.

'And all I loved, I loved alone', he thought.

Now Kevin was alone again, alone on the court, throwing the ball on the wall for no reason.

Riko was dead and Kevin was alive, Andrew fulfilled his part of the deal, and Kevin, who had no idea of what he was promising, fulfilled his.

When they made their deal, Kevin thought that someday Andrew would realize that Exy was the only reason he needed to live each day, but in the end Kevin gave him something more and realized that Exy wasn’t enough — not anymore.

Kevin chose Neil, he insisted on Neil, Kevin brought Neil to Andrew’s attention, and by doing that gave him a reason. 

He just never knew how much it would cost.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> The poem is [Alone](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46477/alone-56d2265f2667d) \- Edgar Allan Poe just because it fits.  
> I hope you guys liked it, feel free to leave a comment if you enjoyed it or hated it, and you can always find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/dearghostqueen)


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